I believe it was Sartre that posed the metaphysical questions that philosophers today still debate: Are hipsters still hipsters when they’re naked? Or maybe it was on TextsFromLastNight, which would be completely fine because that would be totally ironic. Anyway, as a hipster, I obviously know the correct answer to this question and the truth is quite unfortunate. Without the clothing, a hipster is the equivalence of a marble statue of a Greek god. Still a total boss and a generally intimidating presence, but no real power. Our clothing is like Samson’s hair, it is the source of our strength. And besides, without our clothing, how the hell else is the world going to typecast us?!
So now that I have adequately stressed the importance of hipster apparel, I would like to address the quandary that every hipster living in a continental climate faces: WINTER. It’s that time of the year again, the time when your ironic t-shirts, patterned vests, and crop tops are completely invisible beneath your winter jacket. The freakin’ jacket. It’s the only thing that gets noticed in the winter. All of the indie fresh threads you’re hiding underneath? Irrelevant. Without the perfect winter coat, your intimidation level is -12%. Without ample preparation, blossoming young hipsters run the risk of completely ruining the reputation they spend every waking minute building up by meandering around town in the puffy North Face jacket with the furry hood that their parents bought them last year (before they realized how tragically mainstream they were, of course). You’d be better off letting your poor, malnourished, vegan self freeze to death than succumbing to that fate.
So for all you hipsters out there who have been too busy watching Bottle Rocket for the 7th time to remember to pick up the perfect outer layer for this winter season, I am here to remind you that time is slowly running out. Get your ass to the nearest Goodwill and cross your fingers that the perfect 70's letterman jacket or hunter green, army inspired coat is still there.
So now that I have adequately stressed the importance of hipster apparel, I would like to address the quandary that every hipster living in a continental climate faces: WINTER. It’s that time of the year again, the time when your ironic t-shirts, patterned vests, and crop tops are completely invisible beneath your winter jacket. The freakin’ jacket. It’s the only thing that gets noticed in the winter. All of the indie fresh threads you’re hiding underneath? Irrelevant. Without the perfect winter coat, your intimidation level is -12%. Without ample preparation, blossoming young hipsters run the risk of completely ruining the reputation they spend every waking minute building up by meandering around town in the puffy North Face jacket with the furry hood that their parents bought them last year (before they realized how tragically mainstream they were, of course). You’d be better off letting your poor, malnourished, vegan self freeze to death than succumbing to that fate.
So for all you hipsters out there who have been too busy watching Bottle Rocket for the 7th time to remember to pick up the perfect outer layer for this winter season, I am here to remind you that time is slowly running out. Get your ass to the nearest Goodwill and cross your fingers that the perfect 70's letterman jacket or hunter green, army inspired coat is still there.
0 comments:
Post a Comment