Hi Hipsters!
I was FINALLY inspired today! This morning as I was heading out the door I decided that I wasn’t going to wear boots today. Instead, I made the conscious decision to be unbelievably impractical and wear my really cool, super old, falling apart, beige and off-white oxfords. The entire bottom is hanging off the right shoe and my poor little foot is left completely exposed. I didn’t care though. I threw caution to the wind and I put on my oxfords! To my surprise, the bottom seemed to have miraculously healed itself! But no, it was no miracle my friends. To my surprise, my impulse decision to purchase Elmer’s cement glue last week when I faced a similar predicament with my Peter Pan boots had paid off! Some how this glue that is intended for posters and projects managed to hold the torn up bottom of my shoe together. And that’s when my inspiration finally came. The perfect hipster tip, maximizing time spent immobile and minimizing money spent. I will pass on my firsthand knowledge of ways to get around the fact that your clothes either a) don’t fit you but were too one of a kind to pass up on at Salvation Army last Wednesday (which is half off day if you all didn’t know) or b) are a little less vintage and a little more left-on-the-side-of-the-road-by-a-homeless-man-and-picked-up-by-goodwill. With these tips, you’ll never have to take your shoes to a cobbler or your romper to a tailor again (but it doesn’t really matter either way because it isn’t as though you actually ever got around to getting them fixed in the first place).
1. Skirt not made to be high waisted? Simply lift skirt, squeeze together the excess fabric and fold it over and under itself. Take the folded fabric and staple it, like, 8 times. Tuck a leotard in, throw a flannel over, and be wary that your flannel does not ride up because the staples may catch and tug. But maybe your problem is that your skirt is just too long...well wipe that frown off of your face because stapling works to shorten things as well! However, this can cause the hem to look odd and balloon shaped and often draws attention to the staples. It doesn’t matter though because at this point you’re so ironic that you shouldn’t be considered a real person.
2. No stapler around? Another alternative is to bunch the fabric together and tie it up with a hair tie. But be warned, while this all depends on the fabric, more often than not this method causes excessive bunching.
3. Not old enough to buy cement glue (actually a law)? Check to see if you have any of the 3m really intense glue pads that are used to hold picture frames and such on the wall. If the soles of your shoes are falling off, stick one of these between the shoe and the sole. It works like a charm and has been holding together the other oxford for two months now. I would have done the same for the other but I didn’t have any more glue pads and never got around to getting another one. Hence the Elmer’s glue thing. Good thing I never got around to getting another glue pad, this post might have never come into existence.
4. Did you come home only to find that the top you just bought has a weird stain you hadn’t seen originally? Did it still not come out after you washed it? Is it possible that you did something wrong because this is the first time you actually ever washed a goodwill top before wearing it out and you aren’t sure if the same rules of laundry apply to this situation? Consider the location of the stain. Ask yourself some of these questions: Is this stain in a location that can be covered with jewelry, a quirky pin, a scarf? If the answer to that is no, examine the fabric. Decide as to whether you think the fabric will take well to paint. If the answer is yes...well, paint it or something. If it’s no, and you really care THAT much about this 2$ article of clothing, than you can bring a little bit of the nineties back and cover that shit with a patch!
5. Don’t like to wash your clothes and/or body? Who does?! Bite the bullet and make a trip to your nearest drug store and pick up a bottle of Downy Wrinkle Release. It not only makes you and your clothes smell like clean laundry, it releases wrinkles in the process! You can almost abandon all basic hygienic behaviors completely!!!
That’s all I have in me for today guys, being really wise is really draining.
I do want to add that following any one of these tips already makes you too ridiculous to accomplish anything ever, so following these tips needs to be done in moderation. Very sad people do these things excessively. It’s a fine line. A very fine line.
I was FINALLY inspired today! This morning as I was heading out the door I decided that I wasn’t going to wear boots today. Instead, I made the conscious decision to be unbelievably impractical and wear my really cool, super old, falling apart, beige and off-white oxfords. The entire bottom is hanging off the right shoe and my poor little foot is left completely exposed. I didn’t care though. I threw caution to the wind and I put on my oxfords! To my surprise, the bottom seemed to have miraculously healed itself! But no, it was no miracle my friends. To my surprise, my impulse decision to purchase Elmer’s cement glue last week when I faced a similar predicament with my Peter Pan boots had paid off! Some how this glue that is intended for posters and projects managed to hold the torn up bottom of my shoe together. And that’s when my inspiration finally came. The perfect hipster tip, maximizing time spent immobile and minimizing money spent. I will pass on my firsthand knowledge of ways to get around the fact that your clothes either a) don’t fit you but were too one of a kind to pass up on at Salvation Army last Wednesday (which is half off day if you all didn’t know) or b) are a little less vintage and a little more left-on-the-side-of-the-road-by-a-homeless-man-and-picked-up-by-goodwill. With these tips, you’ll never have to take your shoes to a cobbler or your romper to a tailor again (but it doesn’t really matter either way because it isn’t as though you actually ever got around to getting them fixed in the first place).
1. Skirt not made to be high waisted? Simply lift skirt, squeeze together the excess fabric and fold it over and under itself. Take the folded fabric and staple it, like, 8 times. Tuck a leotard in, throw a flannel over, and be wary that your flannel does not ride up because the staples may catch and tug. But maybe your problem is that your skirt is just too long...well wipe that frown off of your face because stapling works to shorten things as well! However, this can cause the hem to look odd and balloon shaped and often draws attention to the staples. It doesn’t matter though because at this point you’re so ironic that you shouldn’t be considered a real person.
2. No stapler around? Another alternative is to bunch the fabric together and tie it up with a hair tie. But be warned, while this all depends on the fabric, more often than not this method causes excessive bunching.
3. Not old enough to buy cement glue (actually a law)? Check to see if you have any of the 3m really intense glue pads that are used to hold picture frames and such on the wall. If the soles of your shoes are falling off, stick one of these between the shoe and the sole. It works like a charm and has been holding together the other oxford for two months now. I would have done the same for the other but I didn’t have any more glue pads and never got around to getting another one. Hence the Elmer’s glue thing. Good thing I never got around to getting another glue pad, this post might have never come into existence.
4. Did you come home only to find that the top you just bought has a weird stain you hadn’t seen originally? Did it still not come out after you washed it? Is it possible that you did something wrong because this is the first time you actually ever washed a goodwill top before wearing it out and you aren’t sure if the same rules of laundry apply to this situation? Consider the location of the stain. Ask yourself some of these questions: Is this stain in a location that can be covered with jewelry, a quirky pin, a scarf? If the answer to that is no, examine the fabric. Decide as to whether you think the fabric will take well to paint. If the answer is yes...well, paint it or something. If it’s no, and you really care THAT much about this 2$ article of clothing, than you can bring a little bit of the nineties back and cover that shit with a patch!
5. Don’t like to wash your clothes and/or body? Who does?! Bite the bullet and make a trip to your nearest drug store and pick up a bottle of Downy Wrinkle Release. It not only makes you and your clothes smell like clean laundry, it releases wrinkles in the process! You can almost abandon all basic hygienic behaviors completely!!!
That’s all I have in me for today guys, being really wise is really draining.
I do want to add that following any one of these tips already makes you too ridiculous to accomplish anything ever, so following these tips needs to be done in moderation. Very sad people do these things excessively. It’s a fine line. A very fine line.
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