This isn't a tip but it's still hip

Hey friends. Sorry I never post anymore. It's not that I'm busy, it's that I'm very scattered. I'll try to do better but I think it's safe to assume that my current posting pattern won't change very much.

Anyways I was inspired to write a tip but then I lay down in my bed and I decided I didn't have the energy to write it after all. But in order to keep Brooklyn's wrath at bay I needed to post something, so I chose this because it took zero brain power but all of you blooming hipsters will still **eat it up.

So......without further ado......

PICTURES OF THINGS I'VE PURCHASED FROM THRIFT STORES WITHIN THE LAST TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!

(because nothing is hipper than thrifting.)

(ok so this one wasn't thrifted. this is from UO and I paid entirely too much money for it but it was entirely worth it)

That's all for now guyz. I'll get back to you with that tip soon!

** Eat it up was a very awkward thing to say and I realize this but I chose to say it anyway and my reason is two-fold
fold 1: I had no idea what I was talking about and how to end the sentence
fold 2: I use cliches, it's just something I do. I see no reason to alter my behavior. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Tip #22: YOU are not Salvador Dali, sorry

Oh my non-existant LORD! WHY, pray tell, do I still see the creeper Dali 'staches everywhere? If any of you are slightly cocking your head to the side in confusion I mean moustaches crafted in the style of...


This guy.

I will say this once and only once. Salvador Dali is the only person who can pull that off because he was a talented genius and NOT a scrawny Vice magazine subscriber who has not contributed anything to today's culture. Was that harsh? Good. So is looking at your greasy/sculpted moustache.

Like, seriously. I can't not look at it. But more often than not, a Dali 'stache will grace the oily face of a thin lipped Hipster male who is channeling more of John Waters look than Dali. I get that when this trend first BOOMED like the festering plague that it is, it was "ZOMG so ironic it huuuuuuurts." But, the very small window of time allotted for that fad to come and leave is over and I really can't believe how many ironic mustaches are still out there. I am fine with the regular "razors aren't my style so Imma let this thing above my lip grow" mustaches - fine do it. See if I care. But if you are in any way styling your facial hair - STOP STOP STOP!!! It's tacky and I hate you.

Love,

Vice is TOTALLY Mainstream

Sorry Hipsters, it seems as though another one of your precious publications has taken the leap from run-down and shabby to mainstream. The company in question is Vice Media, the publishers of Vice Magazine.

Now, I may dig myself a little ditch here by bring up my familiarity with the magazine... but oh well. When I worked at American Apparel (yeah... more like a grave than a ditch - I'M SORRY!!) we had to lay out all the free copies of Vice monthly. And those suckers were snatched up in the blink of any eye! Then again, I was working in Brooklyn... an American Apparel in Brooklyn. Free copies of Vice didn't stand a chance. Regardless, I often read the magazine because it was free and available. Between spreads of half clothed women and what appeared to be the GREASIEST party photos ever, I found some worthwhile reads. Two favorites of mine:

1. The Eyes Have it - girls talking about what it's like to wear the Niqab 
2. Hock Talk - read all about pawn shops in different cities... some really weird stories there

But, now... it's going to be a much different magazine.

Too funny

Columbia and I were stopped walking out of our dorm by a girl who wanted to post a photo of us on her fashion blog. I debated whether or not to share this information but it's too damn funny! Here we are bashing an entire community of trendy mo fo's - and when we get complimented on being hip we turn into these blushing/we're-full-of-awesome-high hypocriiiitezzzz.

TIP #21: Don't ever try to actually be [insert world famous author here]

I know you fancy yourself a book savvy dude, BUT don't actually test the theory out. See Hipsters are really good at likening themselves to certain cultural geniuses, quoting every line of Bartlett's, or just showing ... uh... enthusiasm for people they admire. William Shakespeare is a natural, acceptably mainstream, choice. No one can deny that Billy could write a play, and write it well. Same goes for Dante. Although he's pretty cocky through out his epic... He claims that he was graced a visit to Hell because he was such an amazing writer God wanted his genius self to be our poetic tour guide. But, dude's got a point. He may have not had modesty, but he had talent.

And why, do you ask, this seemed an appropriate tip to write at 2:30 AM? Because Columbia and I have been assigned to write in their likeness and it's brutal. And I am tired.

YELP! I just spotted a Hipster!

Do you ever have one of those moments where you sort of notice something, move on, and then sudden realization pours over you and you do that intense double take of disbelief? Well, that just happened. Not two minutes before I began typing away at this I noticed something very strange on my Yelp app for Android.

You see, I was looking up Vietnamese food places because I have an obsession with phở (no really, I have two phở shirts and crave it often) when I noticed that Yelp users have the option to categorize the ambiance of an establishment as - you guessed it - Hipster! WHAAAAT?! That's an ambiance?! Or is it the ironic lack of ambiance? Or maybe the scale of how intensely the other patrons will judge you during your meal? Or maybe how often M.Ward can be heard softly playing in the background and bar fights erupt because -as we all know - Pitchfork totally ruined M.Ward for the rest of us!

However, I'm not the only one who finds this crazy. And what does Hipster ambiance mean?

Tip #20: GO TO BED!

All I'm saying is that sometimes real world issues effect us Hipsters. Sometimes we need to drop our "important" issues/habits/activities in order to perform in the real world. Maybe you have a test. Maybe you have an extremely important monologue to perform and you can't... i dunno... sleep through it? It's not like I'm talking from experience or anything...

But maybe. Just maybe. Staying up to the wee hours of the night, surrounded by others furiously working on the assignments they too neglected, isn't the best way to success. Did you really have to go thrifting instead of working? Was that extra joint to "calm you down" really necessary? And for the love of god did you at least set a goddamn alarm?! No? Well that's because the curse of the apathetic Hipster does not mesh well with school work.

So stop looking for tools of procrastination. You don't need seventeen cigarette breaks (even though it hurts) and you DON'T need to browse through other indie-fresh blogs instead of running lines. I mean... of course this is all hypothetical.

I'm just saying... this could happen to you. One night. You stay up late. You arrive 20 minutes late for your performance. Wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Looking like a zombie.
Not like I know anything about this... I'm just saying... it happens.