TIP #21: Don't ever try to actually be [insert world famous author here]

I know you fancy yourself a book savvy dude, BUT don't actually test the theory out. See Hipsters are really good at likening themselves to certain cultural geniuses, quoting every line of Bartlett's, or just showing ... uh... enthusiasm for people they admire. William Shakespeare is a natural, acceptably mainstream, choice. No one can deny that Billy could write a play, and write it well. Same goes for Dante. Although he's pretty cocky through out his epic... He claims that he was graced a visit to Hell because he was such an amazing writer God wanted his genius self to be our poetic tour guide. But, dude's got a point. He may have not had modesty, but he had talent.

And why, do you ask, this seemed an appropriate tip to write at 2:30 AM? Because Columbia and I have been assigned to write in their likeness and it's brutal. And I am tired.

YELP! I just spotted a Hipster!

Do you ever have one of those moments where you sort of notice something, move on, and then sudden realization pours over you and you do that intense double take of disbelief? Well, that just happened. Not two minutes before I began typing away at this I noticed something very strange on my Yelp app for Android.

You see, I was looking up Vietnamese food places because I have an obsession with phở (no really, I have two phở shirts and crave it often) when I noticed that Yelp users have the option to categorize the ambiance of an establishment as - you guessed it - Hipster! WHAAAAT?! That's an ambiance?! Or is it the ironic lack of ambiance? Or maybe the scale of how intensely the other patrons will judge you during your meal? Or maybe how often M.Ward can be heard softly playing in the background and bar fights erupt because -as we all know - Pitchfork totally ruined M.Ward for the rest of us!

However, I'm not the only one who finds this crazy. And what does Hipster ambiance mean?

Tip #20: GO TO BED!

All I'm saying is that sometimes real world issues effect us Hipsters. Sometimes we need to drop our "important" issues/habits/activities in order to perform in the real world. Maybe you have a test. Maybe you have an extremely important monologue to perform and you can't... i dunno... sleep through it? It's not like I'm talking from experience or anything...

But maybe. Just maybe. Staying up to the wee hours of the night, surrounded by others furiously working on the assignments they too neglected, isn't the best way to success. Did you really have to go thrifting instead of working? Was that extra joint to "calm you down" really necessary? And for the love of god did you at least set a goddamn alarm?! No? Well that's because the curse of the apathetic Hipster does not mesh well with school work.

So stop looking for tools of procrastination. You don't need seventeen cigarette breaks (even though it hurts) and you DON'T need to browse through other indie-fresh blogs instead of running lines. I mean... of course this is all hypothetical.

I'm just saying... this could happen to you. One night. You stay up late. You arrive 20 minutes late for your performance. Wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Looking like a zombie.
Not like I know anything about this... I'm just saying... it happens.

Spanking New

Hello world. I cleaned up the front page of the Tumblr site so GO CHECK IT OUT! It's pretty simple, looks like a notebook, and i'm not quite happy with it yet. But hopefully Columbia can take a swing at it. Anyhoo, enjoy!

A BIG THANKS to Nikki Brion for the theme! The header and additions were made by me.

Just a Hipster Tipster

Although this particular version of the site is our mother ship of sorts, we often just post some random findings on the Tumblr version of the site. It's only because Tumblr is a bit more convenient to reblog a funny post or update with something we thought you all would like - and quickly. Any life changing events involving this blog will most certainly be posted here. It's just a little harder to update Blogger with all the random tidbits that float into our minds, and not have it be a process. Even this small post is taking waaaay longer than Tumblr.

And don't forget the Hipster Survival Guide's Twitter. I've been making a real effort to update it pretty often, so go ahead - follow us. What could go wrong? You'll find a link to hipster hilarity? And we want your input, we LOVE input. I realize that if Columbia and I want this project of ours to be any good we have to dedicate a little more time and not just go on blogging/tweeting binges.

We'll try to be better!

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You can find us at:
Hipster Survival @ Tumblr.com
Hipster Survival @ Twitter.com

See you there.

Tip #19: Hipsters gotta hold it

Now you may be thinking? Hold it? Hold what? Uber trendy eco friendly tote bags expressing the hippest cause of the moment? Nope. Your bladders my dearest hipsters.
Think back throughout the many helpful tips we have provided and you will come to the conclusion that hipsters dig the layers. Tank tops, on buttons downs, on sweaters, on tights, on knee highs, on skirts, and about a thousand scarves. Sounds about right. But then comes the moment when you are sitting casually in some abandoned warehouse sipping on PBR and chain smoking (ciggs are a diuretic) and you think "oh damn. I have to PEE!" And by the time you magically get yourself to a bathroom (aka a sketchy alley where you have decided to pop-a-squat) and you realize how many godforsaken layers you have to strip off before you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What could be a 2 minute event has become a minimum of a 10 minute struggle involving a lot of core strength and undressing-redressing. So what do we do? Refuse to layer ourselves like homeless people? But how will people know the sheer variety of hip that our wardrobes contain? There are pills and stuff that truckers take to make those stretches of highway longer... but that seems terribly unnatural. If you happen to have an extra appendage (i'm looking at you fellas) than a stadium buddy can solve all your issues. Of course you run the risk of people thinking you are suffering from a violent allergic reaction in your calf or possibly the irritation that an adhesive condom might provide.... but hipstah status ain't easy.

Unfortunately we have to wait till the warmer months when the biggest issue becomes a romper with a tricky series of buttons... until then mark your exits clearly and don't forget to go before you leave the house. Maybe try a more substantial drink than flat light beer that'll do the job quicker too.

Learn to hold it my trendy minions. Our apathetic appearances are totally ruined when we're plagued by natural urges - we aren't real people. As Tim Gun would say, "make it work."

Happy travels,

Thanks to Kendall for the tip submission. Your struggles have not been for nothing.