Oh my lovely little hipsters. Thanksgiving is a time for families to gather from the far corners of the globe for one painfully non PC holiday that involves a lot of forced smiles, turkzillas (mom's who get a little too serious about the food), and alcohol. So much alcohol. At least in my family, we find that after the fourth bottle of wine (give or take) that we really enjoy our relatives and all of their extremely specific sleeping/eating/bathing/breathing/hearing habits…
So what will you be drinking my tipsy trendsetters? And THERE - I got you! You were just thinking about PBR weren't you?! Well? Admit it! And that is where I draw the line. This may hit a nerve with some of you but I need to settle this Pabst Blue Ribbon shit once and for all.
Ok, unless you have literally nothing but neutrality for hipsters (then why are you on this site? go away…) then you know the typical hipster brew is PBR. Oh good 'ol PBR. It looks like some novelty beer that a dad during the industrial golden age in the midwest would drink. And that's why hipsters go bananas for it, it's like omganticapitalism and basically irony in a can. It fails to have a signature logo and all of the basic methods of branding that we see in other beer companies, and products world wide. That and hipsters also saved PBR from going out of business, yeah that's right SAVED. As in they were going to shut down production but then some greasy kid parked himself in the middle of a Williamsburg flat and started a PBR renaissance. Oh yeah, shit got real.
Reasons Hipsters Love PBR
1. Non-Mainstream
2. Cheap
3. Not heavily advertised
4. Does not give into the norms of capitalism that other major companies do
5. Cute enough that you feel little to no shame about having the empty cans litter your floor
Ok, I'm going to start with five and work my way up. Well, for starters - ew. And you'd fit your hipster identity a lot better if you went and recycled those cans and possibly collected enough money to go buy more PBR. Just saying, you could be environmentally friendly. And using your reusable shopping bag as a trendy tote bag SO doesn't count.
And that brings us to number four and three, they are similar so i might as well cover them both. And first i must just say: WRONG. This statement is WRONG! PBR simply realized who their market was, a bunch of self proclaimed followers of a counter-culture… sigh. So, as far as advertising goes they're sneaky. Those indie rock festivals you go to, what kind of beer do they have? That's right, Pabst. And now do you think the man at the drink tent heard about your favorite drink and made sure it was there? No. PBR simply sponsors these many hipster events, because for them a gathering of hipsters for a day of music means they're making bank by the end. Also they do product placement like nobodies business… *cough*Gran Torino*cough* AND PBR isn't even PBR anymore. All of their beer is made by Miller and production is sent all around the country. So that quaint little Milwaukee brewery you always imagined is actually coming from the "champagne of beers" monster factory. Mmmm capitalism.
Hipsters love to have tortured souls, and part of this act is being dirt broke. Despite coming from fairly affluent backgrounds, these kids wanna play house in an abandoned lot with only a card board box and kerosene lamp for warmth - but hey… it's not my place to judge. Anyhoo, PBR is cheap. Right? I mean you could technically get a 40 oz for $2 or so but that totally clashes with the look your going for. Someone could confuse you for a mainstream rap lover *gasp*. Well did ya know that because oh so many hipsters started drinking Pabst (according to company reports "bike messengers and other younger drinkers" haha) they raised the prices without even consulting anyone because they felt so comfortable with their following. That's right bitches - they pulled a fast one on you and you didn't even know! Do you need a moment to ice those wounds real quick?
And finally the excuse every hipster loves to use: the non-mainstream defense. Well for starters, i mean this one is just so obvious, Pabst Brewing is the fifth-largest beer supplier in the USA. Fifth eh? That, for lack of a better word, IS SO FUCKING MAINSTREAM! Are you really trying to defend this beer by saying it's not mainstream when it is more popular than the Boston Breweries beer? Have you met a person from Boston who doesn't obsess over beer? And guess who PBR just asked to help them find some real-estate? Merrill Lynch, ssssh i think i just heard a hipster somewhere combust!
So, instead of washing down your turkey with an ice cold PBR just up your hypocrisy one more step and try a Sam Adams on for size. Then at least you can play off your dick move by claiming it to be ironic (see Columbia's Irony is the Best Scapegoat post) considering the holiday. And don't you DARE put on Blue Velvet, that movie started this whole mess in the first place. As long as those kitschy little cans stay off the table and out of my life, I will truly have something to be thankful for this holiday.
Drink responsibly,
PS: Of course if you drink PBR cause you like the way it tastes and you needed a six pack and you only had six bucks - yeah go for it. I don't really give a fuck.
[edit 12/27/10]
nuff said...
So what will you be drinking my tipsy trendsetters? And THERE - I got you! You were just thinking about PBR weren't you?! Well? Admit it! And that is where I draw the line. This may hit a nerve with some of you but I need to settle this Pabst Blue Ribbon shit once and for all.
Ok, unless you have literally nothing but neutrality for hipsters (then why are you on this site? go away…) then you know the typical hipster brew is PBR. Oh good 'ol PBR. It looks like some novelty beer that a dad during the industrial golden age in the midwest would drink. And that's why hipsters go bananas for it, it's like omganticapitalism and basically irony in a can. It fails to have a signature logo and all of the basic methods of branding that we see in other beer companies, and products world wide. That and hipsters also saved PBR from going out of business, yeah that's right SAVED. As in they were going to shut down production but then some greasy kid parked himself in the middle of a Williamsburg flat and started a PBR renaissance. Oh yeah, shit got real.
Reasons Hipsters Love PBR
1. Non-Mainstream
2. Cheap
3. Not heavily advertised
4. Does not give into the norms of capitalism that other major companies do
5. Cute enough that you feel little to no shame about having the empty cans litter your floor
Ok, I'm going to start with five and work my way up. Well, for starters - ew. And you'd fit your hipster identity a lot better if you went and recycled those cans and possibly collected enough money to go buy more PBR. Just saying, you could be environmentally friendly. And using your reusable shopping bag as a trendy tote bag SO doesn't count.
And that brings us to number four and three, they are similar so i might as well cover them both. And first i must just say: WRONG. This statement is WRONG! PBR simply realized who their market was, a bunch of self proclaimed followers of a counter-culture… sigh. So, as far as advertising goes they're sneaky. Those indie rock festivals you go to, what kind of beer do they have? That's right, Pabst. And now do you think the man at the drink tent heard about your favorite drink and made sure it was there? No. PBR simply sponsors these many hipster events, because for them a gathering of hipsters for a day of music means they're making bank by the end. Also they do product placement like nobodies business… *cough*Gran Torino*cough* AND PBR isn't even PBR anymore. All of their beer is made by Miller and production is sent all around the country. So that quaint little Milwaukee brewery you always imagined is actually coming from the "champagne of beers" monster factory. Mmmm capitalism.
Hipsters love to have tortured souls, and part of this act is being dirt broke. Despite coming from fairly affluent backgrounds, these kids wanna play house in an abandoned lot with only a card board box and kerosene lamp for warmth - but hey… it's not my place to judge. Anyhoo, PBR is cheap. Right? I mean you could technically get a 40 oz for $2 or so but that totally clashes with the look your going for. Someone could confuse you for a mainstream rap lover *gasp*. Well did ya know that because oh so many hipsters started drinking Pabst (according to company reports "bike messengers and other younger drinkers" haha) they raised the prices without even consulting anyone because they felt so comfortable with their following. That's right bitches - they pulled a fast one on you and you didn't even know! Do you need a moment to ice those wounds real quick?
And finally the excuse every hipster loves to use: the non-mainstream defense. Well for starters, i mean this one is just so obvious, Pabst Brewing is the fifth-largest beer supplier in the USA. Fifth eh? That, for lack of a better word, IS SO FUCKING MAINSTREAM! Are you really trying to defend this beer by saying it's not mainstream when it is more popular than the Boston Breweries beer? Have you met a person from Boston who doesn't obsess over beer? And guess who PBR just asked to help them find some real-estate? Merrill Lynch, ssssh i think i just heard a hipster somewhere combust!
So, instead of washing down your turkey with an ice cold PBR just up your hypocrisy one more step and try a Sam Adams on for size. Then at least you can play off your dick move by claiming it to be ironic (see Columbia's Irony is the Best Scapegoat post) considering the holiday. And don't you DARE put on Blue Velvet, that movie started this whole mess in the first place. As long as those kitschy little cans stay off the table and out of my life, I will truly have something to be thankful for this holiday.
Drink responsibly,
PS: Of course if you drink PBR cause you like the way it tastes and you needed a six pack and you only had six bucks - yeah go for it. I don't really give a fuck.
[edit 12/27/10]
nuff said...
0 comments:
Post a Comment