Tip #13: Ways to cheat life

Hi Hipsters!

I was FINALLY inspired today! This morning as I was heading out the door I decided that I wasn’t going to wear boots today. Instead, I made the conscious decision to be unbelievably impractical and wear my really cool, super old, falling apart, beige and off-white oxfords. The entire bottom is hanging off the right shoe and my poor little foot is left completely exposed. I didn’t care though. I threw caution to the wind and I put on my oxfords! To my surprise, the bottom seemed to have miraculously healed itself! But no, it was no miracle my friends. To my surprise, my impulse decision to purchase Elmer’s cement glue last week when I faced a similar predicament with my Peter Pan boots had paid off! Some how this glue that is intended for posters and projects managed to hold the torn up bottom of my shoe together. And that’s when my inspiration finally came. The perfect hipster tip, maximizing time spent immobile and minimizing money spent. I will pass on my firsthand knowledge of ways to get around the fact that your clothes either a) don’t fit you but were too one of a kind to pass up on at Salvation Army last Wednesday (which is half off day if you all didn’t know) or b) are a little less vintage and a little more left-on-the-side-of-the-road-by-a-homeless-man-and-picked-up-by-goodwill. With these tips, you’ll never have to take your shoes to a cobbler or your romper to a tailor again (but it doesn’t really matter either way because it isn’t as though you actually ever got around to getting them fixed in the first place).

Holiday Musings

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately. Like any true hipster I’ve been struggling with existential crisis after existential crisis so naturally my priorities were as follows:
1. Figure out who I am, what my purpose is, and the meaning of life.
2. Blog.

But I decided to give up on my search for meaning. I’m just a kid. I’m just going to do things that kids do or something.

So that brings us to number two on my priorities list, resolving the US conformity crisis. I’ve been racking my brain all week to think of the perfect hip tip for you all but have failed miserably. However, I did have a hipster-related revelation and that’s what I’ll be sharing with you today.

Tip #12: Stop Drinking PBR (this is a long one)

Oh my lovely little hipsters. Thanksgiving is a time for families to gather from the far corners of the globe for one painfully non PC holiday that involves a lot of forced smiles, turkzillas (mom's who get a little too serious about the food), and alcohol. So much alcohol. At least in my family, we find that after the fourth bottle of wine (give or take) that we really enjoy our relatives and all of their extremely specific sleeping/eating/bathing/breathing/hearing habits…

So what will you be drinking my tipsy trendsetters? And THERE - I got you! You were just thinking about PBR weren't you?! Well? Admit it! And that is where I draw the line. This may hit a nerve with some of you but I need to settle this Pabst Blue Ribbon shit once and for all.

Another boring update

Yeah, sorry no new interesting content, instead I have been slaving away trying to get things to run smoothly. So, exciting news (not really) but we now have a Twitter. I am a little tweet-inept so please bear with me. If you have a Twitter account go follow us and watch out for the ramblings and random hipster sightings.

Hipster Survival @ Twitter

Do it for America

Interweb news

Hello people! Columbia and I haven't posted in a bit because were letting our creative juices marinate/it's been a busy week... Anyway, not my point. I have just set up a tumblr version of the site just to help spread the word and make it a little easier for those who already have tumblr to follow us. We know blogspot isn't as popular now, but I do like its features and tools so we are keeping this page. Our "home base" of sorts. There will probably be some random posts, ramblings, performance art - etc that wont be posted on the tumblr page. Mainly because every time we post here I have to use that last bit of my energy to shuffle everything over to the other site.

So, if ya got a tumblr follow us (we will reciprocate the love) and if ya don't have one help spread the word in any way you can!

hipstersurvival.tumblr.com

Tip #11: Suppress Your Inner Pack Rat

I have tried to figure out why it is that hipsters love layers. Just jeans and a tee is too easy, anyone could have done it. However, whether it's flannels or chunky necklaces a hipster will pile on the love till they resemble some sort of walking/talking thrift store. And I think I know why, we're ALL pack rats! Who else would willingly shop in store that is essentially all junk? Grandpa Milton's sweater vest from the 1950's?! Score! We love getting lots of things and surrounding ourselves with our stuff... whether it be in the cavern of clothes that is my dorm room or on my body.

However, I think herein lies the reason for many a hipster failure. Now you don't need to watch that show Hoarders (despite it really being one of the most compelling dramas on television - PLUS totally ironic because it's reality television on the A&E channel) to know that a pack rat can rarely be swayed to drop their mounds of junk. Sometimes this works for a hipster! Fear not - Columbia and I know how naked hipster's feel without their several layers, patterns, and accessories. Without them it really just feels like you didn't even try to be indie fresh (gasp!). And while we strive for a look that seems disheveled, when you actually put no effort forth you become what all hipsters fear... a really normal looking person.

But, I am failing to get to my point...

This is not a tip. I just need to be heard sometimes.

I wrote a super deep poem just now and sent it to my dear Brooklyn in a facebook message. I'd post it here, but exposing such substantial material to the brainwashed minds of consumer America whom are active on the internet would be overwhelming to their capacities for thought. So instead I'm going to post this super hilarious, super ironic picture of the internet's favorite hipsters:

 

Peace, Love, and Existentialism!

Tip #10: Irony is the perfect scapegoat

I know that our goal as blogging Hipsters is to provide tips and hope for other aspiring hipsters but the sad truth is that no matter how many tips we provide you with, there will still be moments where you find yourself acting....for lack of a better term, hopelessly mainstream. But don't go throwing out your newly purchased Sufjan vinyls just yet, there is still hope! Hipster culture has a loophole that most are simply not indie fresh enough to take advantage of: the versatility of irony. Irony truly is the perfect Hipster scapegoat. As you know, hipsters as a whole are not the most forgiving when it comes to behaving out of character. However, with the right spin, you can go from being pathetically unhip to a god of counterculture.

Now, proper use of the word irony is one that often evades people, so if you're under the impression that coincidentally and ironically are interchangeable then just give up right now. There is no room for you in the Hipster community. However, if middle school grammatical lessons weren't completely wasted on you, then I invite you to read on.

Tip #9: Have a Weird Diet

As I sit starving in my 8:30 am class I started thinking about diets. One classic hipster cliché is that we're all vegans. But, I can honestly say the only vegans I know are my parents and although my father is known to rock the mom jeans... he's hardly a hipster. My mom is well, a mom. I need her to cook me dinner not wander off into picturesque fields with a vintage Polaroid camera and the desire to capture some angsty shots in between sunflower stalks.

My point is, yeah ok maybe a lot of us have picky eating habits. Like Pescetarians, you're all "I am almost a vegetarian because I care a lot about animals, but fish can SMD. " It's weird, it doesn't make sense, and it shakes things up! Who cares if I leave the house wearing only two clashing patterns and my canvas sneakers instead of my oxfords? I only eat things that are magenta biotch!

So sit down, figure out what foods you never eat, and SHAZAM you got yourself a brand new and sparkly diet preference that is sure to confuse and mystify. So, basically... your food preference can make you interesting. Or a dick. Choose wisely.

Tip #8: Sometimes We're Tragically Hip

I've been slacking. So here's a post for ya'll to savor.

So, in my inner monologues (and one post I think) I keep using "tragic hipster" to describe an object. Well, really that object's state of being. Or possibly person. It's all very abstract and meta (or maybe I just am too tired to make an actual point). Anyway, I was sitting in my friend's room avoiding the outside world by playing the Sims 3 and making a rather fabulous house when I commented on my really ripped tights and said "the only tights I had were these tragic hipster tights." She rather enjoyed the saying and I realized how many different ways I could use it.

1. To describe a hipster overload. Like hipster to the point where it seems as though a person were sucked into  a collapsing supernova of hipster and were spit out in to this dimension a trendy son of a bitch.

2. Hipster fails. Therefore the person has done something to be a tragic hipster. A hipster version of hot mess, if you will.

per example:

It's not that the manic wolf head added much to his look. He obviously just felt his inability to form any expression called for an extremely coy carcass on his head. And for that he fails, and earns his title as a tragic hipster.

Tip #7: If the coat fits...

I believe it was Sartre that posed the metaphysical questions that philosophers today still debate: Are hipsters still hipsters when they’re naked? Or maybe it was on TextsFromLastNight, which would be completely fine because that would be totally ironic. Anyway, as a hipster, I obviously know the correct answer to this question and the truth is quite unfortunate. Without the clothing, a hipster is the equivalence of a marble statue of a Greek god. Still a total boss and a generally intimidating presence, but no real power. Our clothing is like Samson’s hair, it is the source of our strength. And besides, without our clothing, how the hell else is the world going to typecast us?!

So now that I have adequately stressed the importance of hipster apparel, I would like to address the quandary that every hipster living in a continental climate faces: WINTER. It’s that time of the year again, the time when your ironic t-shirts, patterned vests, and crop tops are completely invisible beneath your winter jacket. The freakin’ jacket. It’s the only thing that gets noticed in the winter. All of the indie fresh threads you’re hiding underneath? Irrelevant. Without the perfect winter coat, your intimidation level is -12%. Without ample preparation, blossoming young hipsters run the risk of completely ruining the reputation they spend every waking minute building up by meandering around town in the puffy North Face jacket with the furry hood that their parents bought them last year (before they realized how tragically mainstream they were, of course). You’d be better off letting your poor, malnourished, vegan self freeze to death than succumbing to that fate.

Tip #6: Be a Stereotype

As I was sitting across from a man on the bus I came up with this tip. He was wearing a Thundercats hoodie, had a beard that look like it had been cultivated for sometime, and was reading Lord of the Rings shamelessly. By anyone's definition this man would be considered a sci-fi loving geek. But, you know what? He seemed to love life and what he was doing. He was flipping through chapters chunks at a time, obviously not a first read, and looking for his favorite parts and giggling. He was a fucking sci-fi boss having a fucking wonderful bus ride.

And then I thought, fitting your stereotype is kind of nice. Life is like my roommates and my drawers. They're overflowing and a damn mess. But then you fold up one drawer make it nice and neat, maybe even isolate it for one purpose like the short sleeved tees drawer. I dunno. Finding your place in society and kind of going with it, it's like folding up that one drawer. Embrace it. Rock it. And a true hipster is gonna be what they are and fuck the rest. Stick it to the man... or whatever. So buy those American Spirits and yes, those oxfords are hip and look great on you.

Whether or not you fold up the rest of the drawers (yes I am still going with this metaphor and milking it for all its worth) is questionable... but if everything else is a disaster at least you've still got that one. At least until the weekend when you have funky alternative plans that involve an article of clothing from every corner of your room.

Tip #5: Mo' Patterns Less Problems

As I sit in the ill-lit theater of the Krieger building, struggling to even pretend as though I'm paying attention to the monotonous ramblings of my Anthropology professor, I can't help but notice that I am currently wearing 4 completely unique patterns. That's right, four. And today is a tame day for me.

As a hipster, your choice in apparel is an enigma to mainstream America. Are we simultaneously suffering from colorblindness, ADHD, Schitzotypal Personality Disorder, and a complete lack of awareness of social norms or are we just awesome? The answer is one that only a true hipster knows. As a CollegeACB proclaimed, certifiable hipster, I am about to disclose to you one of the world's most pressing and unanswered questions about hipster culture: We just like patterns.

Vertical stripes CAN be paired with horizontal stripes. Paisley looks best when paired with a paisley scarf, paisley pants, and a floral carpet bag. Layering three different flannels ALWAYS looks better than just one. So the next time you are stressing about the fact that you can't find the brown-toned shirt that goes with your crimson-toned high-waisted skirt, don't stress! The bright yellow scarf you picked up at Goodwill yesterday, your "World's Best Grandpa" t-shirt, and the garish lace tights you secretly picked up at Urban but will tell everyone that they belonged to your mom in the 70's are all completely acceptable substitutes.

Confuse people with your clothing. No one will question it.

Also, it helps to shave half of your head bald. You can quite literally wear whatever the fuck you want if your head is half shaved.

To simplify things for you, I have provided photos and captionz:

Tip #4: S-M-I-L-E

Just woke up from a fantastic nap and once again failed to do anything else responsible today. I'm an alternative bad ass, It's really hard to be me. Any way, my nap has put me in a rather pleasant mood and I realized how powerful the feeling of joy is. People want to be happy, they see happy people, and shazaam they envy your life. So hipsters, take this tipster and put a fucking smile on. Let us not relive our shameful middle school days- a blur of black eyeliner, emo music, and jelly bracelets. We might have a lot of angst, but who the fuck wears angst on their sleeve? That's just obnoxious.

For example. Don't be this guy:

Because instead of achieving that effortlessly cool, yet intellectual, and put together look I am sure this tragic hipster attempted. He just looks like one of two things-
A) Like the two very opposite directions his hair is going in is giving him a splitting migraine and he's really cut up about it OR...
B) Like the cheerleader who sits in front of him in economics just asked if he had heard about this omgsupercool band Animal Collective and now he is debating whether or not to burn the concert ticket he spent 2 hours in the rain waiting for.

So yeah, just show off them pearly whites and maybe you'll find yourself starting a trend in no time.

Tip #3: Don't Have an 8:30 am Class

Just don't have an 8:30 am class. Just don't do it. I know in the quaint little hipster mind a mandatory excuse to be up at an extremely reasonable hour seems to have endless benefits. Think of all the scarves you could knit if only, just only, you were up before 12. You could go grab BREAKFAST with friends. That's right. Breakfast. And it wont be that sad excuse for breakfast, like when you wake up at 2:00 pm and are still craving a bagel and bacon... so then you drag your sorry butt to some food venue and mentally beg people not to judge you for wearing last nights makeup and sobering yourself up with some coffee and tears. About 4 hours too late...

However, is justified bacon worth this awful wake up every fucking Monday? No. No it isn't. Because while all sensible young hipsters still haven't left their warm hipster beds... you're in class looking at freakishly bright powerpoints in a half assed outfit that makes you look as wrecked as you feel. Every hipster's worst nightmare, man.

So while all hipsters are still sound alseep, listening to the end of their M Ward meets Passion Pit playlists I am gonna get a heaping pile of bacon and simply say fuck all ya'll who are still in bed!

Tip #2.5: Economizing May Do More Harm Than Good

Caffine, alcohol, and traces of cocaine in one can for only 3 dollars? I know, it sounds like every bereft-but-not-actually hipster's dream. Don't get me wrong, it is. But one must keep in mind that as wonderful as a 4 Loko can be, the negative consequences can sometimes outweigh the benefits. Some such consequences are as follows:

-You might lose your wallet
-You might lose your phone
-You might lose your little sister and/or brother
-You might lose your trashcan
-You may pass out on a pile of freshly cleaned laundry and knock them onto the floor, which if you're a true hipster means that your once clean clothing is now covered in loose tobacco, crushed makeup, and other general filth that the floor is covered with.

Not one of the aforementioned consequences is remotely indie fresh, and it's pretty hard to play any of those actions off as ironic.

Tip #2: When in doubt, economize

Now we know that no hipster can party their pants off until they have a sufficient amount of PBR/Rolling Rock/Magic Hat/or ironically named russian vodka but let's be honest... what could be cheaper than a Four Loko? It's like red bull (always a hipster favorite) mixed with juice. That's right JUICE! Hipsters love juice, especially for brunch at some kitschy diner where photos could possibly taken and then ironically uploaded to facebook *cough*flickr*cough*. ANYWAY. Four loko, yes grand ol' Four Loko. It does the job quick and you can always say you're doing it for a social experiment.

Waking up naked in a different state is just a proven hypothesis.

Tip #1: Laundry For Hipsters

Do you own some cotton casualties? Jk of course not, the Salvation Army exclusively carries polyvore blends from the 80's/90's. But in all seriousness, how do we keep our precious loads of all we hold dear from returning like some snuff episode of 90210 meets Clarissa Explains it All? The answer is simple.

ALWAYS -
1. run with cold water
2. always pick knits and delicates as your setting - because your time is precious and if you're just throwing in a load and heading out to check out that new Bansky exhibit... there are probably some in there.

Remember, a clean hipster is a happy one. Just because we look dirty doesn't mean we need to be unsanitary.

It's an Ironic Non-post

Blah blah sample entry.
looking gooooood.